sticks and stones

I've recently decided to write about the past few years of my life, which have also been some of the more painful years of my life. There are certain things I've only shared with a handful of people, but I think it will be good to get it all out and hopefully see some beauty from the mess that is this life. It's funny how things can happen to you, or somebody can say something to you, and the pain it causes can shut you down- emotionally, physically, you name it.   


I'll cut to the chase, I had been in a relationship for a while- not the best of relationships, but a relationship nevertheless.  We had talked about spending our lives together, traveling, being adventurous and experiencing things- we had it all planned out, and it looked pretty good from where we were sitting.  I left that summer for an internship, and when I returned, well...needless to say, none of that ever happened (thank goodness).


I returned from interning over the summer, we had been spending a lot of time together and things were good.  We went to lunch one afternoon and suddenly things were off, I could just tell. There should be more to it, but there's not- trust me, I asked. He called me after work that day and never, in all my life, has anybody been so cruel. I remember one of the first things he said, "you disgust me...you're fat and ugly and stupid." I was in shock. You know that feeling you get in your stomach, maybe when you're riding a roller coaster, and your stomach seems to come all the way up to your throat?  Imagine that, but worse.


You think I would have hung up, but I sat there and took it. And to my surprise, it got worse. Of course there were many more comments about how fat and gross he thought I was, but I think the more hurtful things were "I don't want to settle, and I'm settling for you" or "when I look at you it makes me sick." By far, the most hurtful was, "I'm falling more and more out of love with you every single day." By no means do I still care about this person, nor would I ever want to be with them again, but whoever said "sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me"...boy, were they off.


He knew my insecurities, my soft spots, my weaknesses- and he attacked them without mercy.


This may sound cheesy and cliche, but that, to me, is exactly what Satan does. He knows our insecurities, our weaknesses, and he attacks them at all angles.


So what was I to do? My life, as I knew it, had just blown up in my face.


Within a few hours I had spoken to my cousin, Parker, who was able to calm me down, and in the midst of all the chaos, convince me to move to Nashville (there was a little more to it than that, but you get the gist). Within a few days I had found a roommate on craigslist, packed up my car, said good bye to my friends and family, and was heading to the good ol' south.


I remember when I got here. I was exhausted. My cousins, Parker and Sage and their dad (Uncle Jon) were here to greet me.


I was surrounded by strangers, in a strange place, with no real direction. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. I put on a happy face, and in the meantime I got to meet some wonderful people. However, a lot of these people didn't really get to meet me. Don't get me wrong, I've made some amazing memories over the past year, but I am also realizing how closed off I have been; how, most of the time, I have been overwhelmed with fear and so I shut people out.


I allowed fear to consume me, and I didn't know how to make it stop. The fear of getting close to people, of people knowing how broken I was; I feared genuinely caring for people and loving them with all my heart because I had convinced myself I could never be good enough. The last person I had let into my little world took all of my affections, all of my laughter, and couldn't tell me enough how worthless it all was. And I believed him. I had lost trust in myself and in others, but I've realized that pain is not something to be ashamed of, it should be embraced and handed over to Christ our Savior, for He alone can heal us. Nothing else can.


I have been in self- defense mode, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that I don't need to protect myself. I can't, nor do I want to, because I alone will fail every time.
I'm relearning what it is to love people, to love myself, and to grasp God's love for me. I'm deconstructing myself, all that I've known of life, and trying to see things in others that I missed before, or see things in myself; more importantly, I'm trying to see what others see in me and especially how God sees me…The way I’m meant to be a reflection of his love and grace.


I started a book today: "Through Gates of Splendor" - Elisabeth Elliot.


I can't put it down.
I also can't stop writing down every other sentence.
It's beautiful, in so many ways.


The book is about Jim Elliot (Elisabeth's husband) who goes on a mission trip to Ecuador with his friend, Pete. The ending, from my understanding, is not a pretty one, but the story they left behind, their story- it's amazing and so beautiful. There's one part, where Pete was writing to a friend (just before leaving for Ecuador) and he says:


"Remember the last few verses of 1 Corinthians 3: 'For all things are yours...and ye are Christ's; and Christ is God's." Throughout all our personality we are God's, and since God has made our whole selves, there is a great joy in realizing who is our Creator. This realization is to permeate every area and level of life. In appreciation of beauty, mountains, music, poetry, knowledge, people, science- even in the tang of an apple- God is there, to reflect the joy of His presence in the believer who will realize God's purposes in all things."

God is in everything, and it’s easy for me to get lost in myself. I can rest knowing God is with me, through every moment. He is in all things.

Psalm 4:7

You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and new wine abound. I will both lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

I don't think I'll ever be able to understand the mystery of God. I know I won't, but that's part of what makes His love for me so majestic. This never-ending, ever encompassing love for me- this love that nothing on this earth can compare to; that's the kind of love my Creator has for me. How lucky am I.


I only pray that I can reflect a tiny ray of this love to others. I know I fail at this- too often, I do- but with every time I slip up or fall short, somehow God reveals to me his presence in that situation. He is always fully here. In all things.


I know, over the past year, I've had days when I just wanted to be held (correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a lot of people have these days); days when I didn't want to say anything, I just wanted somebody to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Anytime I get that feeling, I just close my eyes. I often have to remind myself that I am not alone. My Savior is with me. Everywhere I go. Every breath I take and every crooked step I make through the day- He is with me. How much He must love and adore me to be so patient with me.


This past year (plus some) has been a whirlwind. I have experienced moments of joy and moments of darkness. I have gone from feeling worthless, feeling as if I had nothing to offer anybody, to having a flicker of hope, a tiny speck of confidence in who I am and the woman of God I long to become.


As small of a realization that this may be, over the past few days, I've realized that while I am in Ukraine, I want nothing more than to show these kids love. Whether that means talking to them, or  playing silly games with them, trying to speak Russian, or just listening to them- I don't care what it takes. I want to know their stories.  No matter how dark their stories might be, beauty can still come from them- it is still in them, because we are Christ's, and Christ is God's...and God is in everything. We are not alone. Ever.

I couldn't say it better myself, so I'll just quote Jim Elliot:


"Because He hath said, 'I will never leave thee nor forsake thee,'
I may boldly say, 'I will not fear...'"