chasing shadows

I can't believe we leave tomorrow.

I also can't believe I haven't packed. Well, I can believe that...it probably wasn't the smartest move on my part, but not a lot I can do about it now.

A lot of things have been running through my mind the past week: What are the kids going to think of me? Are they going to like me? Will they open up to me? Am I going to get frostbite? Is the bus going to wreck in the snow? Are we going to get mugged? Is this nasty cough I have going to go away before we leave? What if I'm so sick when we're there that I can't even go see the kids? I can't forget this, I can't forget that....

You get it. It's a long list of thoughts and questions that I shouldn't really worry about.

I went running a few weeks ago. I remember it was one of those runs where you start out and you feel like the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz. Your joints are frozen, you can't feel your jaw, but for some reason you keep running because you know eventually you will warm up. I was running, and I looked down and I saw my shadow. For some reason or another, I started laughing. I often find myself, in my everyday life, going from one thing to the next, always chasing after something or setting a goal; always wondering what I'm going to do next. Always chasing a shadow I will never be able to catch.

I think a part of me laughed because my shadow looked really goofy with my hat flailing about in the wind, but another part of me laughed because for a moment or two, I chased my shadow (I was bored, obviously). I felt like a 6 year old. And I loved every second of it.

Those moments are few and far between for me, but when they happen, I feel like I am really experiencing what it is to be a daughter. Not just a daughter to my dad, Randall- who is awesome, by the way. But a daughter to Christ. A daughter to my creator. In that moment I was chasing my shadow, I felt as if I was really living. As silly as that may sound. I was being me, playing with my life, this life, and allowing myself to feel the joy of being a daughter of a Creator that adores me every second of everyday.

Unfortunately, I rarely let myself enjoy life in the moment. One simple moment.
I always worry about this or that instead of living, just living.

My prayer for this next week, and I ask all of you who read this to pray for me as well, is that I can be in the moment with these kids and with the amazing group of people I'm going with. I don't want to be distracted by my sore throat and cough, I don't want to lose sight of the ultimate goal because I'm tired or I want to take a shower. I want to be present. I want to be fully there, because that's what makes life beautiful. I don't want to worry and go chasing after my own shadow, I want to rest with my shadow next to me, knowing Jesus is resting with me too.

We had a prayer meeting a few nights ago. This was a worry for a lot of people. We're going to be traveling for two days, only to be there for three and then turn around and travel two days home. We know it's going to be tiring, we know it's going to be cold, we know we're going to be run-down and cranky, but I pray and we all pray that God will give us strength and patience over the next week. Strength to see Him in everything we say and do, and patience with each other and ourselves, and an understanding of being fully present with ourselves and the orphans we will be with.

I am struggling with this post. I want to say a lot more, I want to go into more detail, but I don't want to get lost in the length of the post itself when I'm not even able to put into words what I'm wanting to say. It's a little frustrating, actually. All in all, we are going to need a lot of prayer. No matter how you pray for us, no matter what time of day or where you are, God will hear your prayer and likewise we will need it.

I will admit one thing that is frustrating is here I sit, writing about being present, when I can't even be present in my own writing. My mind is racing...I need to go to the gym, I need to go to the store and get this and that and don't forget this (write that down..where's my paper?).  Talk about a basket case.

I just took a deep breath. A sigh, if you will. I feel surprisingly relaxed.
That was a good moment.
I'll end on that.

UKRAINE OR BUST