rainy daze

Go ahead and laugh at the title of this blog. Why? Because I am. However, there is an explanation: it's raining and I honestly don't know how to start this thing- therefore, my mind is dazed and confused. I have a million things I want to say, and no idea how to start. I'll have to admit this whole blogging thing is a little weird to me. Here I sit, typing my thoughts away, for people to read...or not read, when all the while I can't even use enough words to express how passionate I am behind the entire reason for this blog. The point of this blog is for me to verbalize my desire to go to Ukraine and spend a few days with kids in three different orphanages. The truth is, though, I cannot put into words how much this means to me.

For over a year now it's been on my heart to go and be with orphans. I have never had something constantly on my heart like this; not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. Why orphans? I have no idea. I cannot begin to imagine their pain, their overwhelming feeling of abandonment, or their desire to feel loved and wanted. However, pain is universal- in some way, shape or form- we have all experienced pain, abandonment, and have felt unloved or worthless at some point.

I went through some rough years. I turned away from God. I had been hurt and I needed to blame somebody, something- so I blamed God. At that time, it was the easiest thing to do. Only now do I see it was the worst thing to do as well. The darkness and evil that can take over ones life is honestly the scariest thing I can imagine; that emptiness and feeling of abandonment only raises doubts and anger towards the betrayal that can harden hearts to stone and blanket darkness over any joy and love that may dwell deep within us all.

I finally hit rock bottom. I won't go into detail, but I will say it changed my life. Shortly after, I went on a mission trip with my cousin, Parker and my Uncle Jon (thank you both). It was the start of a new season for me. Returning from that trip, I felt a tiny speck of joy. A joy I had not felt in so long. A joy I did not think I deserved. One of the hardest and most humbling realizations for me was when I realized God had not abandoned me. I had run from my Father, but all the while he was just waiting for me- so patiently waiting for me to stop and be still. Since then I have run towards God as fast as I can. I know I've stumbled, I know I've slipped up- but He's been beside me the whole time, dusting off my shoes each time I fall.

I have no idea what this mission trip looks like. I have no idea what I will learn from the kids or what they will learn from me; my only hope is that I can show them the tender love and genuine compassion that my Lord and Savior has shown me. I am only beginning to understand what it means to have a relationship with God, my creator. He created me, just the way I am, and he so longs to love me and share the joy and peace of this world with me, if I will only let him. My hope is that I can reflect God's love to these kids, and somehow soften their hearts and allow joy to blanket their spirits in spite of everything they have lived through. They are our Lord and Savior's children- adored beyond our wildest imaginations. This, to me, is everlasting love.

I have fallen in love with my Creator, my Father, my Savior.
I hope the orphans can get a glimpse of that love, and realize they too are loved and adored by Jesus Christ himself.
After all, the greatest gift is to love and be loved in return.