sticks and stones

I've recently decided to write about the past few years of my life, which have also been some of the more painful years of my life. There are certain things I've only shared with a handful of people, but I think it will be good to get it all out and hopefully see some beauty from the mess that is this life. It's funny how things can happen to you, or somebody can say something to you, and the pain it causes can shut you down- emotionally, physically, you name it.   


I'll cut to the chase, I had been in a relationship for a while- not the best of relationships, but a relationship nevertheless.  We had talked about spending our lives together, traveling, being adventurous and experiencing things- we had it all planned out, and it looked pretty good from where we were sitting.  I left that summer for an internship, and when I returned, well...needless to say, none of that ever happened (thank goodness).


I returned from interning over the summer, we had been spending a lot of time together and things were good.  We went to lunch one afternoon and suddenly things were off, I could just tell. There should be more to it, but there's not- trust me, I asked. He called me after work that day and never, in all my life, has anybody been so cruel. I remember one of the first things he said, "you disgust me...you're fat and ugly and stupid." I was in shock. You know that feeling you get in your stomach, maybe when you're riding a roller coaster, and your stomach seems to come all the way up to your throat?  Imagine that, but worse.


You think I would have hung up, but I sat there and took it. And to my surprise, it got worse. Of course there were many more comments about how fat and gross he thought I was, but I think the more hurtful things were "I don't want to settle, and I'm settling for you" or "when I look at you it makes me sick." By far, the most hurtful was, "I'm falling more and more out of love with you every single day." By no means do I still care about this person, nor would I ever want to be with them again, but whoever said "sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me"...boy, were they off.


He knew my insecurities, my soft spots, my weaknesses- and he attacked them without mercy.


This may sound cheesy and cliche, but that, to me, is exactly what Satan does. He knows our insecurities, our weaknesses, and he attacks them at all angles.


So what was I to do? My life, as I knew it, had just blown up in my face.


Within a few hours I had spoken to my cousin, Parker, who was able to calm me down, and in the midst of all the chaos, convince me to move to Nashville (there was a little more to it than that, but you get the gist). Within a few days I had found a roommate on craigslist, packed up my car, said good bye to my friends and family, and was heading to the good ol' south.


I remember when I got here. I was exhausted. My cousins, Parker and Sage and their dad (Uncle Jon) were here to greet me.


I was surrounded by strangers, in a strange place, with no real direction. I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. I put on a happy face, and in the meantime I got to meet some wonderful people. However, a lot of these people didn't really get to meet me. Don't get me wrong, I've made some amazing memories over the past year, but I am also realizing how closed off I have been; how, most of the time, I have been overwhelmed with fear and so I shut people out.


I allowed fear to consume me, and I didn't know how to make it stop. The fear of getting close to people, of people knowing how broken I was; I feared genuinely caring for people and loving them with all my heart because I had convinced myself I could never be good enough. The last person I had let into my little world took all of my affections, all of my laughter, and couldn't tell me enough how worthless it all was. And I believed him. I had lost trust in myself and in others, but I've realized that pain is not something to be ashamed of, it should be embraced and handed over to Christ our Savior, for He alone can heal us. Nothing else can.


I have been in self- defense mode, but I'm slowly beginning to realize that I don't need to protect myself. I can't, nor do I want to, because I alone will fail every time.
I'm relearning what it is to love people, to love myself, and to grasp God's love for me. I'm deconstructing myself, all that I've known of life, and trying to see things in others that I missed before, or see things in myself; more importantly, I'm trying to see what others see in me and especially how God sees me…The way I’m meant to be a reflection of his love and grace.


I started a book today: "Through Gates of Splendor" - Elisabeth Elliot.


I can't put it down.
I also can't stop writing down every other sentence.
It's beautiful, in so many ways.


The book is about Jim Elliot (Elisabeth's husband) who goes on a mission trip to Ecuador with his friend, Pete. The ending, from my understanding, is not a pretty one, but the story they left behind, their story- it's amazing and so beautiful. There's one part, where Pete was writing to a friend (just before leaving for Ecuador) and he says:


"Remember the last few verses of 1 Corinthians 3: 'For all things are yours...and ye are Christ's; and Christ is God's." Throughout all our personality we are God's, and since God has made our whole selves, there is a great joy in realizing who is our Creator. This realization is to permeate every area and level of life. In appreciation of beauty, mountains, music, poetry, knowledge, people, science- even in the tang of an apple- God is there, to reflect the joy of His presence in the believer who will realize God's purposes in all things."

God is in everything, and it’s easy for me to get lost in myself. I can rest knowing God is with me, through every moment. He is in all things.

Psalm 4:7

You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and new wine abound. I will both lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, Lord, make me dwell in safety.

I don't think I'll ever be able to understand the mystery of God. I know I won't, but that's part of what makes His love for me so majestic. This never-ending, ever encompassing love for me- this love that nothing on this earth can compare to; that's the kind of love my Creator has for me. How lucky am I.


I only pray that I can reflect a tiny ray of this love to others. I know I fail at this- too often, I do- but with every time I slip up or fall short, somehow God reveals to me his presence in that situation. He is always fully here. In all things.


I know, over the past year, I've had days when I just wanted to be held (correct me if I'm wrong, but I think a lot of people have these days); days when I didn't want to say anything, I just wanted somebody to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. Anytime I get that feeling, I just close my eyes. I often have to remind myself that I am not alone. My Savior is with me. Everywhere I go. Every breath I take and every crooked step I make through the day- He is with me. How much He must love and adore me to be so patient with me.


This past year (plus some) has been a whirlwind. I have experienced moments of joy and moments of darkness. I have gone from feeling worthless, feeling as if I had nothing to offer anybody, to having a flicker of hope, a tiny speck of confidence in who I am and the woman of God I long to become.


As small of a realization that this may be, over the past few days, I've realized that while I am in Ukraine, I want nothing more than to show these kids love. Whether that means talking to them, or  playing silly games with them, trying to speak Russian, or just listening to them- I don't care what it takes. I want to know their stories.  No matter how dark their stories might be, beauty can still come from them- it is still in them, because we are Christ's, and Christ is God's...and God is in everything. We are not alone. Ever.

I couldn't say it better myself, so I'll just quote Jim Elliot:


"Because He hath said, 'I will never leave thee nor forsake thee,'
I may boldly say, 'I will not fear...'"

return of the jedi

I guess it would be a good idea to give a little background on this mission trip, and perhaps the story of how I got involved. A few Sundays ago, I believe it would have been November 7, I was warm and cozy in my bed. We don't have heat upstairs in our house, so the wood floors can be rather icy and the rooms a bit chilly sometimes; anyway, I did not want to venture from my covers- not for food, coffee, or church- I wanted to lay under those warm covers until my little heart decided it wanted to get up. I'm usually awake around 7, and by this time it was around 9:45; My roommate, Liz came in and asked me if I was okay, and I just remember groaning and not budging from my bed. The truth is, I was fine. I was just being lazy.

I ended up going to church, only because I decided I was going to wear my new favorite Star Wars shirt. The sermon was different that day. So different, in fact, that I laughed to myself at how funny God can be sometimes...so, so funny. The service consisted of 3 things: a conversation, a very short lesson, and the remaining half hour was spent on the Lord's supper. The conversation was between Randy, our pastor, and Russell, the man in charge of the Ukraine mission trip. They basically sat in front of the church and discussed the success of previous missions and the hope for the missions to come. I immediately knew I wanted to be a part of it.

I was sitting on the back row, and on the wall to the left there were pictures of orphans from Ukraine. I'm not sure exactly how many pictures there were, but it was enough to make your heart drop. Russell and Randy had been discussing their latest idea- a prayer group for the orphans. The idea was that members of the church would go and pick a child's picture, and that would be the child (or children) that the member would pray for. On the back of the card was the child's name. I went over, slowly examined the different faces of each child, and there he was. This dark-haired, shy looking boy, awkwardly leaning against the edge of a deck; you could tell the sun was shining in his eyes, because one eye was squinted more than the other. His head slightly leaning to the right; His face was gentle, calm, and innocent.  His name is Zhenya. He is the boy I am praying for. I will get to meet him at the first orphanage we visit in Ukraine.

I teared up just now.

It takes my breath away each time I think of the majestic way life ebbs and flows, and how we think things are just happening, just taking place, when all the while God is with us at all times. He is watching our stories unfold, delighting in things with us, crying with us, laughing with us...it's hard for me to wrap my head around it, but that's the beauty of it. I can't understand it, I can only pray I don't let moments pass me by and miss the simple touches, the slightest spark, that my Lord and Savior is right beside me. Nothing is coincidence.

Having said all that, we will be going to Kharkov, Ukraine on January 1, 2011 and returning January 9, 2011. I am not very good at geography, but luckily we have maps- apparently Kharkov is in the eastern part of the country, close to the Russian border. We will be visiting during the children's Christmas holiday; from my understanding, this is a very lonely time for them. We won't be alone in our mission, Radooga, a Ukrainian organization will be there as well. Radooga has been working at government-run camps for orphans over the past few years; Midtown (my church) has been sending teams since 2009. Missions Development International (MDI) is an American organization that has teamed with Radooga for several years. MDI will be handling the American side of the trip (training, airfare, insurance, etc). Each group involved is playing an important role, and I'm excited to see it all come together.

I just recently added a "donate" link. Part of the mission is that we need to raise $2,400. I am a little behind because I just hopped on board. I know $1,300 will be given to help the orphans, the rest is set aside to help with our traveling expenses, and any left over money will be given to the cause as well.  I'm not very good at asking people for money. It's awkward. I feel compelled to write over and over again how much this trip means to me, but the truth is, when I really start thinking about it- I'm left speechless.  There are no words to express certain feelings. Maybe that's when you know what true, pure feelings are like- beyond anything this world could ever describe.  I long to meet these children, to laugh and cry with them, and if anyone wants to be a part of that and help me get there...well, I'd hug you if I could.

rainy daze

Go ahead and laugh at the title of this blog. Why? Because I am. However, there is an explanation: it's raining and I honestly don't know how to start this thing- therefore, my mind is dazed and confused. I have a million things I want to say, and no idea how to start. I'll have to admit this whole blogging thing is a little weird to me. Here I sit, typing my thoughts away, for people to read...or not read, when all the while I can't even use enough words to express how passionate I am behind the entire reason for this blog. The point of this blog is for me to verbalize my desire to go to Ukraine and spend a few days with kids in three different orphanages. The truth is, though, I cannot put into words how much this means to me.

For over a year now it's been on my heart to go and be with orphans. I have never had something constantly on my heart like this; not a day goes by that it doesn't cross my mind. Why orphans? I have no idea. I cannot begin to imagine their pain, their overwhelming feeling of abandonment, or their desire to feel loved and wanted. However, pain is universal- in some way, shape or form- we have all experienced pain, abandonment, and have felt unloved or worthless at some point.

I went through some rough years. I turned away from God. I had been hurt and I needed to blame somebody, something- so I blamed God. At that time, it was the easiest thing to do. Only now do I see it was the worst thing to do as well. The darkness and evil that can take over ones life is honestly the scariest thing I can imagine; that emptiness and feeling of abandonment only raises doubts and anger towards the betrayal that can harden hearts to stone and blanket darkness over any joy and love that may dwell deep within us all.

I finally hit rock bottom. I won't go into detail, but I will say it changed my life. Shortly after, I went on a mission trip with my cousin, Parker and my Uncle Jon (thank you both). It was the start of a new season for me. Returning from that trip, I felt a tiny speck of joy. A joy I had not felt in so long. A joy I did not think I deserved. One of the hardest and most humbling realizations for me was when I realized God had not abandoned me. I had run from my Father, but all the while he was just waiting for me- so patiently waiting for me to stop and be still. Since then I have run towards God as fast as I can. I know I've stumbled, I know I've slipped up- but He's been beside me the whole time, dusting off my shoes each time I fall.

I have no idea what this mission trip looks like. I have no idea what I will learn from the kids or what they will learn from me; my only hope is that I can show them the tender love and genuine compassion that my Lord and Savior has shown me. I am only beginning to understand what it means to have a relationship with God, my creator. He created me, just the way I am, and he so longs to love me and share the joy and peace of this world with me, if I will only let him. My hope is that I can reflect God's love to these kids, and somehow soften their hearts and allow joy to blanket their spirits in spite of everything they have lived through. They are our Lord and Savior's children- adored beyond our wildest imaginations. This, to me, is everlasting love.

I have fallen in love with my Creator, my Father, my Savior.
I hope the orphans can get a glimpse of that love, and realize they too are loved and adored by Jesus Christ himself.
After all, the greatest gift is to love and be loved in return.