As a kid I can always remember my mom saying "only boring people get bored" and likewise my dad always had a saying, but it was the opposite (in a sense)..."time flies when you're havin' fun." I must have been having a lot of fun these past weeks because I hadn't realized how long it had been since my last entry. The truth is, though, these past few weeks have been extremely stressful, full of angst, and have involved very little thought outside of my own selfish well-being and desires of my own flesh. I fall back into the hum-drum way of living that our society so easily makes available before I even realize how thoughtless I am towards my friends and even my family.
I recently decided to apply to grad school for social work. Simultaneously, I applied for a teaching fellowship here in Nashville and had an interview a few weeks ago. Three days before that I took the GRE for grad school (which I had about 4 days to study for); While this was happening, I was preparing myself to tell the family I have been working for that I would be going back to school (or teaching) in the fall. I have been a nanny for two very sweet boys for roughly a year now; seeing as how I am the baby of my family, these two boys have become my little brothers. I love them. I start getting all teary-eyed and quiver-lipped at the thought of leaving them. However, I have prayed long and hard about this next year, and I truly believe God is setting a path for me; although it may be muddy and cobble-stoned right now, I know there will come a day when the soft green-grass cushions my feet below.
So, it was a Friday (about 3 weeks ago). I was to take the GRE the following Wednesday. I had to tell the family I nanny for (partially because a friend was covering for me and they needed to know, but also because this was all happening very fast and I had no idea how to bring it up). When they got home from work that evening, like word-vomit I just blurted it all out. I felt relieved after telling them. They have been so good to me, and they were so supportive when I told them. Phew (wipe the forehead). Now that was done and I had to prepare for the rest of the week. A few days later- GRE- BOOM. Done. A few days after that- fellowship interview- BOOM. Done. Gigantic sigh of relief..nap...gym. Now all I had to do was finish my grad school application and wait to hear about the fellowship interview. Piece of cake.
How exciting, right? Yeah. I was pumped (and at times I still am), until I suddenly realized...wait...what am I going to do if I don't get into grad school? (panic). And what happens if I don't get the teaching fellowship either? (more panic). Who am I to think I will get either thing? (crying...laughing...more crying...panic).
At the time this was happening, I was reading Frederick Buechner's "The Magnificent Defeat" (which I recommend to anybody); he wrote a chapter over the man whose son had an "impure spirit" and Jesus removed that spirit from him...the man goes on to say "“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24). I had been writing (journaling) that morning and had actually written "Lord, forgive me my unbelief, my lack of faith..." and last night at our Bible study we were talking about our lack of faith, our lack of trust for a Father that wants nothing more than for us to seek Him and his will for our life. How can something so beautiful be so readily available? It's not some hidden treasure, it's right in front our faces. I try to complicate things, stress about things and figure out how I am going to fix them; ultimately, I have very little control over the things I cling to for dear life. What freedom is there in worrying about what will happen or won't happen? Surely, "in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good" (Romans 8:28). God is on my side, our side. He is walking this rocky path with us, and when our feet get too sore to walk any further, he picks us up and carries us.
I have a tendency to try and avoid anxiety and stress. I think of ways to ignore it or look past it by setting goals or keeping myself busy; but last night at Bible study we were talking about how Jesus is in the pain with us. He is in our pain. He never leaves our side. I want so badly for it to be June. Not only will I skip all the stress and worry of grad school and the teaching fellowship, but I would leap over any other obstacles and emotions along the way and land in Ukraine with the orphans at summer camp. All the empty space and translucent time leading up to summer camp would be in the past; I am so looking forward to seeing the kids that I'm finding it difficult to live right now. Be here. Be fully present. Be in my pain and my anxiety. Embrace it, learn from it. Be able to see Jesus when I look in the mirror...not just myself. Because I'm not alone, we're not alone; and maybe that's part of my lack of faith, because if I fully trust and believe, then I acknowledge that I can't do it alone. And to be honest, I don't want to do it alone.
I think back to our group in the hotel in Ukraine. So close. So intimate. So frustrating. So vulnerable. Everything was out in the open. No secrets, no hidden emotions. People were tired and cranky, while others were slap-happy and full of excitement. But the most amazing thing of all is that we were all there for the same reason- to share the gospel of Christ- to show love to others. At times it can be difficult to live in such close quarters with very little space and alone time, but I know I miss that- I miss the fellowship and I miss that sense of family. I felt safe. I have to admit I have been searching for that kind of community since we got back, and I am only recently beginning to see that I have been surrounded by it, but my vision has been so skewed; I have been looking ahead, only glancing at my surroundings, not taking a second look. Not even taking a second glance in the mirror, because if I did, I would see that I'm not alone.
I know my Father has things planned for me over these next few months that I cannot even begin to imagine. I pray that I can take the time, now and then, to sit down. To be still. To wash my feet of all the mud. If only I could embrace where I am, who I am in Christ's eyes; open my heart to the journey ahead, and live out of hope instead of fear. Jeremiah 29:11 just came to mind: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Who knows what I could miss out on by living for June...who knows what people or situations I could let pass in and out of my life without giving them a second glance. I know I will need to be reminded now and then, but June will be here before I know it...for now...it's Monday.
